10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

I had an entirely different post planned for today but inspiration struck me recently with those 5 facts about me Instastories everyone was doing this past week. I got tagged to share a few things and that really got me started thinking about what I have and haven't shared with you all here on the blog. A few of the things I mentioned I will be mentioning again because I think it's important to be completely transparent with you guys. These are things only my dearest friends know and some of the things I'm going to write, even they might not know. But we're all about keeping it real here so I thought this would be the perfect way to be reminded of that. 

Sharing this stuff is important to me because I don't ever want someone who is reading my blog to feel like they can't approach me or that I'm not a real person. We all struggle with different things and before I can offer any more advice, I think this is the perfect place to start.

I'm not perfect, there are things that I am absolutely terrified of telling people and I've chosen to sit down today and share them with Y'all.  Some of you may think differently of me after reading this, be that good or bad. All I know is that I've been called to write this post so here goes nothing! 10 things I'm afraid to tell you:

1 | I'm afraid of not being liked

This probably stems from something that happened back in high school where I felt like no one liked me, but I'm absolutely terrified of people not liking me, my content, my pictures on Instagram, etc. Every time I hit publish for a blog post the worst scenarios pop into my head. Will I get a ton of hate comments? Will someone take offense to something I said? and so on. I'm also afraid that when people meet me in person they won't like me because they think I'm cooler on the internet.

2 | I hate reading my own writing

You're probably laughing at this one, I'm sure. How can a blogger hate reading their own writing? I'm not sure how or when this started but it's been a thing long before I started blogging. I wouldn't reread my college papers because I was terrified of them being awful. Since I decided to commit to turning this blog into a full-time job at some point, I've started working on getting over this. I have days now where my only task is to reread the draft posts I've written. It's still a struggle but I'm slowly getting better at it. 

3 | I want to be a stay at home wife and mom

There, I said it! Not because I want to be dependent on my husband. That's absolutely not the case. It's also not because I'm lazy or don't want to actually have a job. I feel like there are two types of responses you get to this when you're a military spouse. The first is that you're a "dependa" or dependant on your husband. That you want all of his benefits and to do nothing for them. The other is that you can't be a progressive woman and still want to stay at home and raise children. One, I want to have a job, I just would like a job where I don't have to leave the house if I don't want to. I would love to run a full-time blog or to start my own social media business (which is actually in the works). And two, you absolutely can be a feminist and still want to stay at home and raise your babies. More importantly, when we have kids I want to be there for them. My mom traveled a lot when I was young and I love that she was doing something she loved and helping others, but I also would have liked to have my mom around more. 

4 | I still struggle with my past abuse 

My abusive relationship isn't something I've talked about a lot on the blog at all. I mentioned it briefly in this post but other than that I haven't focused too much on it and I truly apologize for that. But I am still dealing with the ramifications of that relationship. I confront them every day, whether people know it or not. Sometimes, it even takes a toll on my relationship with my fiance. I hope this is something I'll be able to open up more about soon but if this is something you are also struggling with then I want you to know that I'm here for you.

5 | I was an atheist in college

Religion is definitely something I don't talk about, mostly because I feel like I don't have any right to. I haven't shared my testimony or my redemption story because I don't feel like I should. There are so many better women out there to follow as examples and I don't feel like I'm one of them. But lately, it's been on my heart to share. I shared this as one of my five facts and had so many people reach out to me asking me to share my story and I knew it was God's way of telling me that I was ready. So stay tuned for that because it's coming soon (probably as a video). 

6 | I'm terrified of having kids

I'm not sure why this is, I've never really had any experience with birth or pregnancy but I'm absolutely terrified of it. I'm sure that I'm not the only woman who has experienced this and tbh it's probably even pretty normal. But everything about it freaks me out. I know this is something I'm going to have to start working on though because I want to have a family someday but I honestly don't even know where to start about working out this fear. 

7 | I'm afraid of losing my husband

Army life, in general, scares me which also isn't something I like to talk about but what I really don't like to talk about is how afraid I am of losing Justin. It comes with the territory of being an Army wife which is part of this, for sure but I'm also just afraid of losing him in general. Sometimes I work myself up into a panic about what I would do if he died and I can actually feel my heart breaking even though it's just a hypothetical situation. The thought of loving someone that much, of not being able to go on after they're gone, absolutely terrifies me.

8 | I don't want to lose any more weight but I also don't want to gain any back

I recently lost 20 pounds and the year before last I had lost almost 40 pounds. I think between the year I had gained 20 of that back so since college, I would say I've lost about 40 pounds, give or take. I tried to do the whole Beachbody coach thing but I realized that my heart wasn't in it because I like my body the way it is. I like that I have hips and boobs and a damn figure. I like that I don't have a flat stomach and that my arms jiggle a little. Sure, five more pounds would put me at my goal weight but I'm also fine exactly where I am right now. That being said, I'm terrified of gaining every pound back. I hate the way I look in old pictures like it actually disgusts me to look at them. I'm not a health and fitness guru but I am trying to not gain all of that weight back which still means cutting back on Panera mac and cheese.

9 | I have an addictive personality

Coffee, working out, alcohol, Facebook, etc. I get addicted to things really easily. In college it was alcohol. A few months ago, it was working out. Now, it's coffee and Facebook. I'm working on this as well, cutting my coffee intake back to only one cup per day and doing a devotional in the mornings after my workouts instead of being on Facebook for an hour. But I still see the ramifications of my addiction to alcohol when I drink too much even to this day. I'm definitely trying to find the healthy balances for all of these things, I'll let you know if I ever do.

10 | I'm rebranding the blog after the wedding

I've hinted at this a little bit in a few other posts, like this one but I haven't actually come out and fully said it yet. I'll be rebranding the blog in June once Justin and I get married. It's still going to be the same great content and me, just with a new name (for both the blog and myself). This is also when I'm going to bring the community aspect more into the blog as well which I am so so so excited for. I just hope you guys are too. Sign up here to make sure you're always in the loop on all the details!

Whew. That took a lot out of me to write. BRB while I go cuddle with the dogs and take a nap for the rest of the day. I truly hope this post allowed you to see a little more into my heart and soul! 

What's something on this list you'd like to see a full post about?

PS: I'm planning on filming videos for the good ol' YouTube channel (since the government is shut down and I have nothing to do all day...) because I figured what better way to show YouTube that they're making a mistake than by putting up some bomb content? If you want to, you can subscribe to my channel here! Also, feel free to send any video requests my way!