taylor swift and other things that saved my life last year (literally)

long story short, I survived

[this letter isn’t addressed to the fire (your inbox) head to the app or desktop for better viewing]

I spent nearly a decade pouring my heart and soul into building an online presence, but by 2023, I was standing in front of that door, exhausted and overwhelmed, ready to slam it shut on everything—like, hard.

Like this post itself, Made in Mom Jeans has had many different forms. I started this publication in 2014 newly graduated from college, a far cry from where I am now… a 30-something military spouse and mom of two. Over the years, this space has grown and evolved as I have. I’ve loved every wild, messy, coffee-fueled minute of building this space, growing a community, and oversharing my life with all of you.

I was still nurturing this community even when I wasn’t writing on Made in Mom Jeans. But as my workload as a social media manager increased, I found it hard to strike a balance between content creation for me and others. By the end of each day, my creative tank was so empty, that even doom-scrolling felt like too much effort. The deeper I sank into burnout, the more I felt like a hollow shell—depleted, emotionally detached, and staring blankly at my screen, unable to muster the energy to show up online like I used to.

Content Warning: This post discusses mental health struggles, including thoughts of self-harm and the emotional challenges I faced over the past year. If you find these topics distressing, please take care of yourself and seek support if needed.

Resources:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) - Available 24/7 for crisis support.

Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 - Provides 24/7 text support for those in crisis.

If you or someone you know is struggling, please reach out to these resources or speak with a mental health professional. You don’t have to go through this alone.

nobody’s heard from me for months…

Sometimes, you don’t know you’re in a bad place until it’s too late which is what I experienced. In May 2023, on a Friday morning, a call from my then-employer ended up being that catalyst. Taking a $600 pay cut when you're already burned out and giving everything to a company that rewards you with nothing? Fast track to suicidal ideation.

I collapsed onto my bed after that phone call, feeling like the weight of the world had finally broken me. Tears streamed uncontrollably down my face, my body shaking from exhaustion and hopelessness. I felt so small like I was disappearing into the fabric of the sheets.

I had a good ol’ ugly cry, told my husband (who, in true form, reassured me it’d be fine), and then crawled back into bed like I was training for an Olympic nap session until it was time to grab the kids. I think I called my mother-in-law and cried to her (I know I cried to her later on in the summer). I didn’t tell my mom (which should have been my first clue that something was wrong).

I acknowledge that I am in an extremely privileged position to be able to say that a pay cut of that magnitude did not put my family at financial risk. As a military spouse and mom, I have not always been able to work. Any military spouse will tell you that frequent moves and lack of available (and affordable) childcare make it difficult to get a job. For the previous two years, I have been working diligently, sharing my expertise, honing my skills, and serving my clients through this agency. 2023 was supposed to be the start of my next chapter. Instead, I felt detached from my work, I was exhausted from trying to stay on top of trends and constantly being asked to create more for less.

It was one of those ‘rock-bottom, can’t-get-any-worse’ moments where I just felt completely, utterly worthless. Things with work didn’t improve and I continued to sink into a pit of despair.

The first time a suicidal thought crept in, it felt foreign, like a shadow I didn’t recognize. I stood there, horrified and scared, my heart pounding in my chest as tears welled up uncontrollably (I cried a lot between May and July). How did I get here? How did my mind betray me like this? Maybe my husband and I had been fighting or maybe I was overstimulated from the kids’ constant fighting but I truly looked in the mirror and thought “Maybe it would be better if I just didn’t exist anymore.”

I dove headfirst into my usual bag of mental health tricks—running, hiking, starting new projects—anything to stop the free fall.

It kept getting louder. The more pressure I was under at work (working more and getting paid less) the worse the voice got. I remember having a panic attack one week last summer when my MIL was visiting and just spilling everything out to her in the dining room right before I had to get on another work call.

Suicidal thoughts became part of my daily routine—like brushing my teeth or checking emails, only way darker.

Photo by Stephen Mease on Unsplash

it’s been a long time coming: the eras tour

Everyone was still talking about The Eras Tour. In November of the previous year, I had purchased a single ticket for the second Kansas City show. The Eras Tour became my lifeline, a beacon of light shining through the suffocating darkness. That ticket was more than just a golden opportunity—it was my reason to keep going, something so many others dreamed of, but for me, it was the one thing keeping me afloat¹.

I hadn’t been on medication for my depression and anxiety since I was in college and the thought of going back, of relying on it, made me feel like a failure (this is obviously not the case).

But I needed to make it to that show, so I did the scariest thing: called a psychiatrist.

On July 5th, I finally met with a psychiatrist and started medication. Two days later, I booked a fancy hotel room for myself and drove to Kansas City where I got to scream some of my favorite songs and cry with thousands of people who love Taylor Swift just as much as I do.² It was one of the best nights of my life. I’ve always been a Taylor Swift fan and I can pretty much assign each of her albums and even some songs to specific periods of my life. As Taylor moved through different eras, I felt like I was rediscovering parts of myself.

It was the reminder I desperately needed—I’ve weathered my fair share of storms before, and damn it, I could do it again.

I like shiny things

Turns out extreme burnout makes everything feel overwhelming. Even carpet. Even notebooks. I couldn’t cope with the way carpet felt under my feet, the size of my notebooks, the way my job kept taking advantage of me (and others). Here’s what got me through it once medication kicked in.

an a6 notebook: I have always been a bullet journal girlie but the size of my go-to bullet journal was so overwhelming during this time. I switched to an a6 size (you may have seen pictures of this on instagram) and immediately felt more put together. This tiny but fierce journal became my brain’s BFF—handling everything from my chaotic thoughts to doctor’s appointments and to-do lists.

routine: I have always been a creature of habit but I’ve never relied on a routine more. A typical day looked like this: drop the kids off at daycare, run, smoothie, work as much as I could without crying, apply for jobs, take a nap, work some more if I felt able to, go get the kids. Those daily routines—sipping a morning smoothie, feeling my sneakers hit the pavement during a run—became my lifeline. They tethered me to the present, bringing me back from the edge, one small, ordinary moment at a time.

my friends and family: Over a year later I still have no idea if anyone really understands how bad my mental health was in 2023. Shoutout to my husband, mom, and MIL—they were my lifelines (and let’s not forget my amazing psychiatrist who really deserves a medal).

(taylor’s version): The last year has truly been something for Swifties. Not only have we had nonstop content about Eras, there have been two (taylor’s version) albums released, and now The Tortured Poets Department. Turns out Taylor and I were having our worst years at the same time lol.

fourth wing by rebecca yarros: If you haven’t heard of this book please tell me what it’s like to be chronically offline. In all seriousness, this book came out at the perfect time for me. I wandered into Target on publication day and saw the shiny cover and pretty edges and knew it was for me (especially with the military academy setting and the author being a former military spouse). I loved it and it kicked off a voracious few months of reading some of the best books I’ve ever read (Fireborne and Serpent and Dove, ilysm). It was like I rediscovered my fangirl roots, and honestly? 10/10 would recommend.

they said “babe, you gotta fake it ‘til you make it”

Healing? Definitely not a straight line. But I’ve come a long way since those dark days in 2023, and I’m happy to report that things are (mostly) looking up. I left that company and got a job working at a university as a grant writer. I’m able to create quality content (like this!) without feeling burnout. I’m dipping my toes back into my Instagram but slowly. Honestly, some days I just wish I didn’t have a phone at all — but I have anxiety and kids so that’s not possible.

Something I’ve truly missed since the last time I posted on Made in Mom Jeans was simply writing. I’ve always expressed myself best this way and it’s something that I hope I can continue to do as I carve out this new space while making sure it stays rooted in authenticity and balance. I have a lot of thoughts to share on various things as usual.

to live for the hope of it all

This might seem like a simple Taylor Swift lyric. You’ve probably seen it quoted many times and maybe you’re even sick of it. But this lyric kind of became my motto. It’s about resilience, about finding those slivers of joy in the most unexpected places—the smile from a stranger, the warmth of the sun on your face, the echo of a song lyric that hits just right. It’s about daring to hope, even when hope feels fragile.

If you’re also navigating the messy middle of life, I’m here for it. Let’s figure it out together, one small moment of joy at a time.

1. My kids, my husband, and the dogs also kept me going but I was adrift at sea and the first thing on the horizon that was outside the norm was The Eras Tour.

2. This is also the same night Travis Kelce went to the stadium with a friendship bracelet and a dream.