How to Handle the Unexpected as a Military Spouse

May 12, 2021

A few weeks ago, my husband and I made a pretty big mistake. We joked about the possibility of him getting deployed this summer. Wouldn’t you know that just a few hours later we learned that that joke was most likely going to be our new reality? With our second baby due literally any day now, this was the last thing we were expecting and wanting to hear. But that’s the thing about military life: it knows how to throw you the unexpected curveballs, especially when you’re least expecting them.

I did not handle the news gracefully. I sobbed, called my mom, and pretty much sent myself into a downward spiral of despair. But after some time to reflect and process the news, I realized that there are much better ways to handle unexpected news as a military spouse. So I figured I would share a few of those with you today. This is basically my step-by-step approach to processing unexpected news as a military spouse. I hope you find it helpful!

1. Whatever you do, don’t panic!

I know, way easier said than done and I’ll be the first to admit that I am still working on this aspect of handling the unexpected as a military spouse. But there are a few reasons why a military spouse should always try to keep their cool any time your service member hits you with the “I have news” call/text/conversation. The first is that nothing is official until it’s actually official. If there is one thing I wish I could tell new military spouses it would be to use this as your motto. When we first found out about the latest news that my husband could be deploying again as early as June, my mind immediately rushed into all of these different scenarios. I was ready to pack up the house and leave Alaska in just a few seconds after hearing the news. But I took a deep breath and backed myself away from that ledge by the next day. Here’s the thing, we’re pretty sure this deployment is happening but I won’t be doing or planning anything until we actually have hard orders in hand. Until there is an official document in my husband’s hands saying this is when he’s going and for how long and where what’s the point in panicking?

2. Let yourself feel the feelings.

Not bottling up my emotions is something I learned during our first deployment when I was struggling with the fact that the deployment was getting extended while also feeling guilty for being upset about it since my husband hadn’t been gone even half as long as most of the soldiers he was deployed with. But here’s the thing, not recognizing the way you’re feeling can often lead to anger and resentment and/or make you feel even worse. Here’s what I do anytime we get unexpected news: I give myself a set window of time to process the news and feel all of the emotions that are coming up as a result of that news. When we first heard about this potential deployment, I pretty much spent the first 24 hours either crying or on the verge of tears. I stepped away from social media and spent a lot of time snuggling with Jasper. That’s what I needed to do in order to handle the waves of emotions that come with getting unexpected news as a military spouse. I worked through the initial grief that our summer wasn’t going to look how we were planning, let myself freak out a little bit over the fact that I will be solo-parenting a toddler AND a newborn, etc. I basically just let myself feel all of the different emotions that come when you get news like this for 24 hours. Let this process take as long as you need to. I definitely wasn’t 100% over it by the next day but I had processed enough of the emotions to pick myself up and work on a plan for the “what if”. We found out the news on a Monday afternoon and by Wednesday, while I was still in a daze, I was feeling much better and more capable of handling the situation.

3. Talk to a trusted friend or family member.

You don’t need to have a million friends to be successful as a military spouse. In my experience, one or two really good ones (or your mom) are perfect for situations like this. Anytime I get unexpected news, naturally, my mom is always the first person I call. But I’m so thankful to have close military spouse friends who I can reach out to in times like this who will just get it and remind me that it’s okay to process my emotions and grieve the news. It also helps when they’re more seasoned and have been through what you’re going through. They can guide you through the emotions, make sure you’re making rational decisions, and remind you of the first two points on this list.

4. Be upfront and honest with your spouse.

One of the easiest things to do when you get unexpected news about military life is to hide how you’re feeling from your spouse or partner or to brush it off with humor if you’re like me. But not being honest with your spouse about how the news is making you feel can lead to resentment directed towards the situation, military life, and especially your spouse. Make sure that you take the time to process the information together. After all, you are a team and the only way you’re going to get through the news and whatever is to come is by staying strong and doing it together. My husband and I make it a point not to discuss big news over text. He will tell me the initial news if he has it but we wait until he’s home and we’re communicating in person to actually talk about and process the news.

5. Remember that you can do this!

Something that always helps me whenever we get unexpected news in regards to military life is to remember all of the things we’ve already been through together. I mean, I handled an extended deployment in the middle of a global pandemic! I can handle this, right? Even if you’re not completely confident, giving yourself the permission to reassure yourself that you can and will get through whatever military life throws at you is the first step in the right direction. Write this reminder down, post it everywhere, set a daily alarm on your phone with this message. You’ve got this!

If you’re a military spouse I would love to hear how you handle unexpected news as a military spouse. Leave a comment below!